It involves specifying the particular behaviors and actions that led to harm, ensuring the admission is not vague or wishy-washy. Step Nine can leave you emotionally exhausted; it’s a difficult step to navigate. But the rewards you’ll reap from living amends can help make the challenges easier and more productive.
Be generous with your time.
It took time for us to emerge from our chrysalis fully committed to recovery, and the people around us are entitled to go through the process without being rushed. All we can do is get sober, be the best person we can be and, above all, be patient. Children don’t need to hear about the disease of alcoholism or the Twelve Steps. So we can skip the long-winded living amends speeches and just be mom or dad. In Twelve Step terminology, another word for «amend» is «fix.» Not the fix we might have chased back in the day, but a fix to a broken relationship. We don’t need to delve into the past and apologize for every birthday party we missed, every fight we picked or the years we were absent— either physically or emotionally.
Get help for recovery and the 12-Step Program
Cultivating a present-focused mindset is a huge part of releasing yourself from the shackles of the past and enacting positive transformative changes in your life. At Silvermist we are committed to being available for you or your family member day or night, you can call us 24/7. At Silvermist Recovery Center, you can experience one on one care and a customized treatment plan. We proudly offer a Life Skills Curriculum to help young people transition into adulthood.
Identifying 3 Types of Amends: Direct, Indirect, and Living
This makes the script a powerful tool for managing things in a structured, thoughtful, and sensitive manner. It’s not one we use too frequently in our everyday language, but it still holds significant meaning. To make amends means to apologize for something you have done or for wronging someone in some way. It means mending, or (quite literally) fixing, the relationship. Notice the words «right to resentment» and «underserved qualities» in there? It is about what we do despite that wrongdoing, «abandoning [our] right to resentment . . . «.
If so, then you should avoid approaching that individual. An apology allows an individual to hear what another person feels, determines what action or behavior is or isn’t appropriate, and provides an opportunity for the hurt person to heal. By taking on the responsibility to sincerely apologize, an individual continues to build self-confidence and reinforce personal integrity. An alcoholic in recovery first creates the list of individuals they have harmed during step eight and then divides the list into four categories. The four categories determine the manner in which the recovering alcoholic will express their amends.
Their parent may feel more pain for their addicted child’s inability to get sober than the material items lost due to the thefts. When you make amends, the way you look and feel about situations changes. You can gain clarity about what happened and what should have happened. On the opposite side of the street are those individuals who simply say, “All of my amends would hurt people. I’m just not going to speak to anyone.” Avoid the temptation to get out of this step. Say, for example, you’re preparing to make amends to a former coworker, whom you once stole from to pay for drugs.
State how you are taking personal responsibility for the hurt you’ve caused. Making amends means apologizing but also goes one step further—doing everything in your power to repair the damage, restore the relationship, and/or, replace what you took. If you’re writing a letter, whether sending or sharing it in person, spend some time reflecting on and sharing the actions you’re taking to redress the wrong(s) done. Direct amends are not always possible or practical, but that doesn’t mean the individual is unable to demonstrate changed behavior. Volunteering for a worthwhile cause or supporting a charity can be a valuable way to make amends.
- The different types of amends are direct, indirect, and living.
- Apologizing to loved ones can be a challenging and emotional process.
- Guilt and shame anchor people to their past and trap them in old ways that prevent them from growing and moving on with their lives.
- Stay tuned to SOBRLIFE for everything related to the journey of recovery and staying sober.
Individuals living with addiction often push their loved ones away, which can cause significant harm to their relationships. Healing and building a healthy support system is a critical part of the recovery process. To repair relationships, people often need to make a living amends. Understanding the harm you caused the people in your life is critical for reflecting on your addiction. Making a living amends involves apologizing to your loved ones that you hurt and using your actions to prove you have changed and are committed to living a healthier and sober lifestyle.
- It’s about facing reality, acknowledging specific errors, and committing to change past behaviors.
- Living amends is a third option for those in the ninth step of recovery.
- Do whatever possible to show respect for the situation and the person to whom you are making amends is the order of the day.
If we are honest and sincere about our amends, then we will not repeat those mistakes, and we will not rush people to forgiveness. We will honor the emotional consequences that stem from our behaviors, and seek to become healthier so as not to repeat them. We should go easy on the words and strong on the actions. After all, years of drug or alcohol abuse will not be undone with an apology or a few simple words. We need to prove to our children that we are seriously addressing our addiction, not just offering cheap words. Along with reinforcing new behaviors and outlooks, making amends can also reduce stress.
- These changes in behavior help toward the goal of reestablishing relationships or making them stronger.
- However, there are situations where it might not be appropriate.
- If they take my words for granted, sometimes, I take a break from talking.
- The root of many fears and feelings boil down to guilt and shame.